The headline is hyperbole, granted. I’m 54 years outdated. I’ve had a whole lot of unhealthy days. Was this one the worst? Inconceivable to say. Can I title a worse one off the highest of my head? Now that I give it some thought, no! However we’ll get to that.
Let’s speak in regards to the automobile first. The vaunted Hyundai Elantra N! The automobile identified all through the automotive-YouTube and reddit-forum universe because the funds various to the Honda Civic Sort R and Toyota Corolla GR, providing up 98 % of their efficiency at a ten-thousand-dollar low cost (extra while you think about seller gouging). Former BMW M-father Albert Biermann’s reward to the widespread people: a track-ready weapon that’ll do double-duty as a humble household sedan when wanted, however is rarely greater than a flick of a baby-blue N button away from springing into full rifle-shot-backfire motion. What’s to not love?
Mine was a Christmas current to myself a pair years in the past. For many of my life I’ve solely pushed beater shitboxes — for the longest time taking a perverse delight in by no means having spent greater than $2,500 on any of them — however when my newest acquisition, a Saab 9-5 Aero wagon with a sketchy title historical past, began displaying indicators that its head-gasket points may need much less to do with the top than the block, I’d lastly had sufficient. Time to behave like a grown-up for as soon as and purchase myself a automobile with an precise guarantee.
A crushingly miserable conclusion on the time, as a result of I typically hate new vehicles. The load, the bloat, the superfluous and gimmicky tech, the pursuit of irrelevant numbers and advertising B.S. that solely serves to additional distance drivers from the act of driving — all of it simply bums me out. I hate computerized transmissions. All of them. I don’t care how “good” they’re. New vehicles suck. I informed you: I’m outdated.
However then I remembered the Veloster N I’d pushed a number of years prior on the Rolex 24. I used to be in Daytona for a narrative about Hyundai’s nascent IMSA program, with Bryan Herta Autosport operating a group of TCRs within the Michelin Pilot Problem. When hotshoe Michael Lewis took me for a lap in my fully inventory road automobile I used to be legitimately floored by the quantity of velocity he carried via the infield, and he gushed about how intently the dynamics of the street automobile mirrored these of its racer-fied siblings. (Lewis would go on to win three of BHA’s subsequent five-and-counting championships within the years since.) The automobile was inexpensive, enjoyable, and — most memorably — it felt particular.
By mid-2022 after I was purchasing, although, the Veloster’s funky asymmetrical hot-hatch configuration was being phased out in favor of the extra typical four-door Elantra. Similar drivetrain, related suspension setup, mainly all the Hyundai N goodness in a slightly-longer-wheelbase, extra passenger-friendly bundle. And cheaper, weirdly. I truthfully most popular the seems of the Veloster however wasn’t about to pay an additional thousand bucks for a jankier inside. Elantra N it was, then.
Should you recall, 2022 was additionally the yr all of us discovered guilty no matter was incorrect in our lives on the international provide chain, and there was a ready listing for just about every thing; the Elantra N had gone on sale late in 2021 however I’d seen precisely one within the wild and showroom flooring have been barren. After a number of weeks of getting dicked round by out-of-state dealerships, I discovered the least terrible native outlet and put down a deposit that made me first in line for his or her subsequent 6-speed handbook allocation.
Six months later it lastly arrived, as I say, days earlier than Christmas. A white one. I didn’t notably care in regards to the shade, however in some unspecified time in the future throughout that interminable wait I’d had a dream a couple of white one, so this felt surprisingly fated. I introduced within the set of Michelin X-Ices mounted on Sparco Terras I had on deck for this very event, signed the paperwork whereas they threw them on, and took supply of the primary and nearly actually final new automobile I’ll ever purchase. Granted, I’m not that outdated, however I say this even now as a result of I simply can’t think about there ever once more being one other new automobile that I’ll each be capable to afford and, crucially, need. They don’t make ’em like this anymore!
Unsurprisingly, the automobile kicked ass. I liked it from that first drive dwelling, liked it much more after 600 diligent break-in miles after I might lastly put my foot in it, liked it extra nonetheless come spring when these winter tires bought swapped out for the ridiculously grippy Pilot Sports activities it shipped with. Complete Jekyll and Hyde persona, docile and chill round city however an absolute bastard when referred to as upon; fast and responsive, with probably the most hilariously gentle rear finish I’ve ever skilled in a front-drive automobile. The annoying tech was all simply (and completely) disabled, the helpful tech intuitive and elegantly built-in with bodily controls — different producers take observe: this is the way you do a contemporary inside — and it was a easy matter to configure these N buttons in a means that allowed me to seamlessly alternate between what I considered Eco-Grandma, Quick-but-Comfy, Firmed-Up-but-Not-Aggro, and Full-Ship Menace-to-Society modes. My twelve-year-old daughter who couldn’t care much less about vehicles liked it; her pals liked it; all of the sudden I used to be the cool dad on account of my scorching rod Hyundai, go determine. Even the automobile’s hideous grill was redeemed when my highschool bandmate remarked upon its unmistakable resemblance to the visage of 1 Paul Stanley, one thing that’s unattainable to un-see as soon as it’s identified to you. We dubbed it the Carchild.
None of this got here as a shock. I knew I used to be going to love the automobile; that’s why I purchased it. What I wasn’t anticipating, although, was simply how a lot enjoyable it might be to drive one thing that I liked so unreservedly. How uncommon, in our sophisticated world, to have the ability to really feel simply uncomplicatedly good about one thing! Hell, the Ns are manufactured in South Korea, so I might even faux I wasn’t implicated in Hyundai’s stateside child-labor state of affairs. I liked going to IMSA races and rooting for the Elantra TCRs, seeing the ever-growing listing of championships on the Herta trailers, filling out the dumb on-line surveys at Hyundai’s “activation” tents — How doubtless would I be to suggest one to a pal? 10/10 child, all day! — and getting one other cool t-shirt in trade, the race automobile fading to black with the tagline on the again: By no means simply drive.
Okay, I need you to think about that phrase echoing into the void because the display screen goes darkish and we now transition from the primary a part of our story to the second.
This is able to be the (presumably) worst day of my life a part of the story. To set this up I want to clarify that for the final twenty-plus years I’ve made my dwelling as a touring and recording musician, taking part in bass in a cult band referred to as the Mountain Goats. And whereas I reside in western New York, the remainder of the band are unfold throughout the three corners of North Carolina’s Analysis Triangle, which implies that most of the time, our excursions began and ended from there. And since flying on this nation has develop into an unreliable nightmare, my M.O. for ages had been to drive the eleven hours down to fulfill the bus originally of tour, go away my automobile at our drummer’s home, and drive dwelling on the finish — one thing I by no means minded. Eleven hours of peaceable, uninterrupted solitude? Are you kidding? I seemed ahead to it, particularly with my new experience making brief work of Virginia’s numerous and pleasant Blue Ridge Mountain passes.
Towards the tip of our most up-to-date tour I awoke one morning feeling like loss of life. A Covid take a look at confirmed my suspicion: I’d be lacking our final 4 exhibits. As a substitute I’d be staying behind in Charlottesville, Virginia, quarantined in a resort room till such time as I might safely make my means dwelling.
Not the primary time I’d gotten Covid on tour! That had been towards the tip of one among our first post-lockdown outings, within the fall of 2021, when three of us got here up constructive and I spent every week isolating in a resort room in McLean earlier than returning dwelling to my household — Virginia being the place I am going to get Covid, apparently. My shameful secret on the time? It dominated. Just lately vaxxed, a gentle case, I handed the time ordering in actually good meals, watching motion pictures, studying, listening to music, monitoring the birds outdoors my ninth-floor window…I privately referred to it as my Covid retreat. Bliss.
This time was not bliss. This time was, in truth, the furthest factor from bliss. This was every week within the suicidal ideation chamber, a darkish night time of the soul punctuated by room service deliveries of Kleenex and Gatorade left outdoors my door. Bodily I used to be a wreck: grievously in poor health and incapable of sleep, and with every thing I put in my mouth tasting like absolute ass (even worse ass as soon as I bought the Paxlovid, which arrived too late to impart something however its least nice side-effects), I couldn’t actually eat both. Worse but, although, was the psychological funk, the short-circuited government functioning, the proverbial mind fog from which, as the times went on, steadily started to emerge the contours of a profoundly distressing and doubtlessly life-altering realization, to wit: I don’t assume I can do that — emphatically factors in each course — anymore. You understand that line in regards to the physique protecting rating? This was the physique holding up the judges’ playing cards, and each final one among them stated the identical factor. Sport over, buddy.
I’d examined constructive on Monday morning; by Friday I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to GTFO. I needed to go dwelling. After all, I used to be in no situation to go anyplace, however that was inappropriate. My state of affairs had develop into untenable. I booked a rental automobile and plotted my escape.
The plan was a convoluted one, even beneath one of the best of circumstances. I’d get a rideshare from the resort to the Charlottesville airport, the place I’d choose up the rental. Drive 4 hours to the Raleigh-Durham airport, the place’d I return it. Get one other rideshare to my automobile, a half-hour away in Chapel Hill. After which get as a lot street beneath me as I might earlier than discovering a resort for the night time, thereby splitting the eleven hours I usually down in a single gulp into chunks that is likely to be extra manageable given my shaky situation. Sounds cheap, although, proper? Doable, no less than?
Associates, after I say that it was all I might do to get myself and my stuff — a suitcase, a backpack, a duffle bag and a garment bag — from my resort room to the foyer, I imply it was actually all I might do. Neglect about the remainder of it. From that time on, I used to be totally past my operational capability, reserves empty, borrowing in opposition to future returns that I don’t ever anticipate to comprehend. Truthfully? I ought to’ve been within the fucking hospital. Saline drip in my arm, medicated to oblivion. That’s not how we do issues right here, although, so as a substitute I sat down on the curb within the 90-degree Virginia morning swelter and waited for my experience.
Simply to maintain the shedding streak going, what do you suppose Avis gave me on the airport? Of all of the autos at present obtainable from the rental-car roulette wheel, which one would most completely complement the abject despair of this second? Should you guessed Nissan Rogue, give your self a prize, and please settle for my condolences as nicely, as a result of I’ve to think about that you simply’ve been right here earlier than too.
I drove to RDU like a whole asshole. The one redeeming high quality of a Nissan Rogue — any Nissan from the final twenty years actually — is that it telegraphs to different drivers that you don’t give a shit, a reality I used to full benefit in protecting the left lane clear in entrance of me. Made shockingly good time consequently. (It happens to me now that this is likely to be helpful intel for future Cannonballers. Are you able to match an AMG engine in a Rogue? Does AMG make a CVT?)
It was mid-afternoon by the point I used to be dropped off in our drummer’s gravel driveway, exhausted however grateful to have the toughest half behind me. I snapped a pic of our vehicles sitting subsequent to one another and texted it to him; Hurricane Debby had come via and dumped a ton of rain a pair days earlier, and I’d had visions of displaying as much as downed bushes or worse. Fortunately, the vehicles and his home appeared to have weathered the storm unscathed. I loaded up the Hyundai, checked the oil, bought myself settled in and rolled out onto the road with an enormous sigh of aid. In some way, I’d completed it. I used to be in my automobile, pointed towards dwelling. All that was left now was to simply drive. Straightforward. Simply drive.
Sorry, what was that?
Barely a mile down the street the test engine gentle flashed and the automobile went into limp mode. Pedal-to-the-floor-going-nowhere limp mode.
Now, I’m typically a fairly profane particular person in my on a regular basis life, and I are likely to get extra volubly profane when shit that’s speculated to work begins fucking up, for instance. It’s a measure of how completely defeated I felt at this second that the phrases that got here out of my mouth weren’t a torrent of abuse, of pure, undistilled rage directed at everybody and nobody directly, however one thing nearer to a whimper: No. Please no. Please don’t do that to me. Not now. Not right this moment.
I pulled off onto a aspect road and pulled my trusty $20 OBD-II reader out of the middle console, a behavior leftover from beater days. A formality; as with the Covid take a look at, I already knew the reply. P1326 — the knock sensor. A identified subject with these vehicles, one going again years on fashions all through the Hyundai vary. There are boards stuffed with tales of vehicles throwing codes and going into limp mode after a visit via a automobile wash, or worse, a puddle; certainly, I’d identified sufficient that after I took my automobile to get Waxoyled I particularly informed the man to be mild when cleansing across the knock sensor beforehand, confirmed him precisely the place it was and every thing. For some cause the attachment the place the sensor is related is extremely inclined to moisture and can brief out if water collects atop it. Mine had behaved itself till right this moment; clearly it was ready till the time was proper to inflict most psychic harm and let me know that I’d purchased the funds sport sedan equal of a fucking F-35.
Thrust all of the sudden from the anticipation of a zenned-out few hours of open street into obligatory problem-solving mode, my still-fogged mind struggled. What do I even do? I limped to the car parking zone of a close-by vintage retailer to get out of hurt’s means. The automobile’s middle display screen proffered a button with directions to name Hyundai service instantly. Unsure what that’s going to perform, however okay, positive. They dispatched a tow truck and informed me to sit down tight. Within the meantime I scrolled via discussion board posts on my telephone — can’t I simply clear the code? There’s nothing truly incorrect with the automobile, proper? After a number of unsuccessful makes an attempt, I finally managed to seek out the mix of ignition sequences and code-reader inputs that put out the engine gentle. Okay, candy, again in enterprise. I texted the tow driver again and informed him his providers have been not required. Pulled triumphantly again onto the street and made it practically half-way throughout the intersection when the sunshine got here again on and automobile went again into limp mode.
Now got here the profanity.
When selecting a spot on your whole nervous breakdown, there are a variety of things you’re going to wish to contemplate. Fewer folks round to witness it the higher, after all. Should you’re outside, possibly search for shade? Lastly, it’s nice if there’s some massive heavy objects close by that you may choose up and throw in a futile expression of your individual helplessness, simply to really feel such as you’re doing one thing — free bricks or massive pavers are perfect for this.
Fortunately for me there was an empty workplace park inside coasting distance, with a car parking zone completely suited to the event. You ever seen a grown-ass, middle-aged man fully lose his shit? It’s not fairly. However typically in life it takes a second like this to shake you out of no matter combination of complacency and denial you’ve been dwelling in, and admit to your self that it might’t proceed, nevertheless a lot grief it’s going to trigger you. In habit circles they name it hitting backside. In my case it meant calling again the tow truck driver.
By the point he confirmed up it was 5 o’clock, on a Saturday. The service division on the nearest dealership was closed, naturally, and wouldn’t open once more till Monday morning. I briefly thought of staying till then however shortly realized that if I needed to spend one other full day in a resort room…nicely, let’s simply say that wasn’t actually an possibility. I left the automobile on the seller, bought yet one more rideshare again out to an airport resort, and flew dwelling the subsequent day.
To Hyundai’s credit score, the automobile was mounted — knock sensor changed — Monday morning, and the company folks I spoke with have been exceedingly useful in arranging to have the automobile returned to me on their dime with assurances that I’d be reimbursed for all bills incurred. And positive sufficient, every week later the automobile was again in my driveway.
I don’t even wish to have a look at the damned factor.
Each little bit of enthusiasm I ever had for it has been completely extinguished. The t-shirts went within the trash. It’s so humorous to me now, after I take into consideration the a yr and a half I spent meticulously altering my very own oil, doing two-bucket hand washes, parking on the far finish of the grocery store lot like a boomer with a brand new 911. What a chump! What an absolute fucking mark! It’s a Hyundai, bro!
A few of you studying this is likely to be pondering nicely come on, man, it’s a automobile. Issues occur. And also you’re proper, after all. Look, I’ve dailied decades-old Saabs for a big chunk of my life. There’s a cause I carry an OBD-II reader, even in a brand new automobile. I get it.
However my behavior of utilizing phrases like “funds” and “inexpensive” in relation to this automobile shouldn’t obscure the truth that, out the door, after taxes and vacation spot and every thing else, I paid practically forty thousand {dollars} for this factor. We’ve been conditioned to assume that’s not so much, however to me no less than, it’s a colossal sum. And but they couldn’t spend the additional buck-fifty it might’ve value for a weatherproof connector to get me dwelling on a day after I’d all however killed myself simply looking for my means into within the driver’s seat. By no means simply drive, certainly!
Half of me desires to commerce it for a Corolla — not a GR, simply a Corolla, a center finger to the complete concept of a cool automobile, the cheaper the higher — however my child has made it clear that whereas she’s superb with me quitting my rock-star job, eliminating “her” Hyundai would mark a breach of father-daughter relations for which I’d by no means be forgiven. That, together with the understanding that I’d be screwing myself financially by promoting at this level, are cause sufficient to maintain it, no less than for now.
In any case this, would I nonetheless suggest an Elantra N to a pal?
Effectively, it relies upon. Simply utilizing it for monitor days, or to impress the twelve-year-olds in your life? Certain.
Does it rain the place you reside? Does it ever rain anyplace you may need cause to go? Would possibly there ever be a state of affairs the place your sanity relies upon upon the automobile getting you from one place to a different?
In that case, I’d say the N in that case stands for Not in your fucking life.
